Every Little Piece
by Yami White Rain
Summary: [one shot] he more you care, the heavier the sword the more life means, the more life hurts. Twelve connected drabbles about the main cast.


**Every Little Piece**

**By: **White Rain

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Berserk.

**Summary:** _The more you care, the heavier the sword; the more life means, the more life hurts._ Twelve connected drabbles about the main cast.

**-**

**01. hunger**

Griffith knows hunger.

For most of his childhood, he was hungry.

At first, it was for food; until he learned how to kill.

Next, it was for human touch; until he learned to pretend not to want or need it and draw people to him.

Last, it was for that castle far, far away; he wanted to climb up that impossibly high hill and walk into the throne room and rule. He wanted it so badly he didn't notice that the impossibly high hill was made of the heads of the ones he killed or their blood that coated his hands.

When he finally was in that castle, there was nothing to hunger, no real dreams. No link to the man he once was.

Except Guts.

-

**02. addiction**

Pain always fascinated Farnese.

It quickly didn't matter if is she was inflicting the pain on herself, on someone she knew, or a stranger.

When it's a stranger she thinks this:

They are sinners and deserve it. It is my duty to enforce the will of God.

When it's someone she does know she thinks this:

It's always Serpico, she doesn't know or care about anyone else.

It's nice the way he submits quietly to it. She'll bite him, lick the blood she spilt and think: _mine_. I won't let him go.

When it's herself she thinks:

Worthless. This will make me better.

The only person she sees that she doesn't attempt to hurt when she faces her is Casca, and that's only because her entire existence is a bleeding wound. She wonders, when she lets herself, what kind of pain Casca could inflict on her; she should be a master of it, to have lived through so much pain that she snapped.

She wonders, digging her nails into her own skin, if Casca would do that to her and then gently kiss the scars she used to mark Farnese.

She's never been kissed, and she wants Casca to kiss her.

She's never been marked by anyone, she wants Casca to.

She's never heard anyone say _I love you _to her, she wants Casca to speak so she can say those words to Farnese.

She wants _Casca._

-

**03. lottery.**

Serpico was given a bad hand of cards in his life.

He doesn't much mind, because he saw his mother and her weakness and pain and thought he could be worse. He saw the children without proper clothes covering their too-thin bodies and was glad he had something to wear and food to eat.

When Farnese took him it, it was like some god had bestowed an honor on him, an honor given to less than one in a million.

He never expected it to last, so as he watches Farnese smile more and more around Casca. He watches her grow around Casca. He watches he care around Casca. He watches obsessively, taking it all in quietly, and waits until he'd thrown away.

He's been lucky for far too long anyway.

-

**04. hot water**

It hurts to touch the hot water on the stove.

Casca knows this, but she continues to sink her hands deeper into it. She is whimpering every so slightly and her shoulders are shaking. But there is a look on her face, a rare _human_ look. The same look she wore during that year around Judeau when Guts and Griffith were gone.

Something is flickering in the back of her mind, and she craves it. She is very sure that the pain from the water is helping her, even if she doesn't understand why.

Then, suddenly, arms are around her and pulling her away. She's angry for a brief moment and turns around to bite the person holding her on the shoulder, her eyes squeezed shut.

Then she's no longer angry and forgotten about the water. She opens up her eyes to see the blond woman who takes care of her and after looking at her for awhile turns back to lick the spot she just bit gently.

She doesn't understand why the woman moans, but the sound pleases her.

-

**05. greed**

Everyone is going to die, Corkus knows. Best get what you can out of life while you can. Don't expect to much, though, unless you're someone like Griffith. Be glad if fate isn't too much of a bitch gives you something more than food and clothing to you name.

That is probably why Guts pisses him off so much. He strives for more when he's gotten more than properly should. It was foolish and pointless and would only lead to misery for everyone.

Especially Griffith. He's not as insightful as Casca or Judeau, but you'd have to be blind, Guts, or both not to see Griffith had a strong attachment to Guts that he has with one else.

Guts talks about reaching the sky and Corkus snaps at him before storming off.

Maybe he's a little jealous that he's too jaded to believe in that anymore.

-

**06. pet**

Pippin knows he can't really keep a pet with him being in the Hawks.

He doesn't much mind, he loves the Hawks, especially the ones he's under with Guts. He figures that the sacrifice is worth, as much as he wanted a pet as a child, as much as he still wants one.

He does stop to feed animals when he gets the chance, though.

-

**07. procrastination**

Evarella watches over Schierke and wishes more and more that she could prevent the inevitable. She watches the girl drain herself more and more, going deeper and deeper in the arts and Evarella feels colder and colder.

She's not sure if she'll ever be warm again.

She wished she could tell Schierke to stop, to _think, _to see that destroying herself was going to do nothing to help the people she loved. Nothing to help the people she used her magic for. It would do nothing but destroy her and what she wants.

But it would be useless to waste energy on that lecture, because she can't change the core of who Schierke is.

So she guides her, stalls the inevitable darkness that will corrupt her for as long as possible.

**-**

**08. storms**  
Whenever he gets the chance, when it's raining heavily, Guts goes outside, sets down his sword, and looks up.

He probably shouldn't. It's possible he'll get sick, and that's not something he can possibly afford. Not with so many people - _Casca _- counting on him. He's just going to make his sword all the more heavy to carry and swing. He can't bring himself to stop though.

Because when he closes his eyes after staring at the rain for an hour or so, it feels like he's crying. He's forgotten how.

Angrily killing people, tying up Casca to protect her, training Ishidoro and not making sure not to treat him like his father him because Ishidoro doesn't deserve that does little to dull the ache, the sharp _pain_, in his heart.

He remembers crying once, with Casca. He remembers that, for a moment, he felt that maybe things would be okay. He remembers looking at Griffith and crying without realizing it, and thinking: _this is what love is_. He thinks the closest he can get to love again is crying, and the only way he can cry is to stand in the rain.

They are false tears, but his love is false anyway.

-

**09. mockery**

Puck sometimes wishes he could grab Guts by the shoulders and _shake _him. He wishes he could yell properly at him. He wishes he could make Guts see what he's so blind too. He wishes he could make him understand that he's make a mockery of all he's suffered and lived to dismiss so much of it so quickly.

He understands it's not something he can do, though.

Puck has felt Guts's pain as clearly as Guts has himself more than once. He has been jolted from nightmares and clutches his chest, tears stinging in his eyes, in so much pain he's nearly sick.

He did nothing to cause this pain, so he knows there's nothing he can do to heal it. For someone like him, he can't imagine a grater pain; looking at someone he loves dearly so broken that he can touch, but not heal.

He can only watch Guts's self-destruction and try and halt it for as long as he can.

-

**10. road trip**

Ishidoro puts on a face, a face that says that traveling with Guts and the others is nothing more than a game to him as much as he can. His dream is real, and he'll snarl, yell, and tell everyone who cares and not that he'll get it no matter what.

No one has yet to ask why he wants it, so that makes it easier to shadow his true intentions.

He needs to be strong to make up for the time - and more and more times as time goes on - that he wasn't strong enough. To make up for all the people he let die.

He often he wishes he _could_ do it at any cost, do anything to become strong. But he watches Guts, watches Casca, watches Schierke, watches Serpico, watches Farnese and sees how far they'll go without _looking_ and knows he can't do that.

That would defeat the purpose of why he needs to be strong.

What's the point of protecting what you love if you're only going to make them suffer by being foolish?

-

**11. blind date**

Schierke is going blind.

She does not see this.

She only sees the pain of those she loves. She only sees the suffering she can help with her magic. She only sees problems she can fix. She only sees her weakness. She knows she could help more, _do_ so much more, if she just had more power.

She does not see the worried looks Evarella gives her, she misses the point of some of Flora's guidance, she misses the reasons behind Guts's gentleness, she overlooks the frantic way Ishidoro pulls her from her magic sometimes, and dives deeper and deeper.

One day she'll lose control, on that date, things will start to go to hell or make her hell even worse.

-

**12. death**

Judeau firmly believes the best thing he ever did in his life was to die.

He knows it's rather selfish, to want Casca to live after watching everyone die. If he knew that Griffith and Guts would hurt and break her, he may have paused before grabbing her and running, making her watch the ones she love die. It doesn't matter too much, though, the only thing he truly desired was for her to live and be happy, and he's sure there is no cost that's too high.

He isn't stupid enough to think that she wouldn't bare scars from this, isn't stupid enough to hope that Griffith, Guts and Casca will get over their emotional failings and see what was right in front of them.

It's a failing he has himself, he never even looks close enough at Casca to see her love for him, so sure he's unworthy of it.


End file.
